who needs health?

"Are you interested in our health tips, Ms. B?"

"Honey, no! I'm trying to kill myself!"
She then laughed wildly and hung up.

Cancellation

Mr. C - "No one told me I had to tell you when I cancelled"

Me - "It is standard practice to tell a company when you no longer want their services."

Mr. C - "No, it isn't. Don't give me that. That's ridiculous."

Me - "Sir, there is no way for us to know that you no longer want service unless you tell us."

Mr. C - "I need to speak to your manager about this."

I'm too easily amused.

Every time my coworker (when talking to her customer) says the name Mr. Bean, I get flashbacks of Rowan Atkinson's genius and am very hard pressed not to giggle.

It's not all bad - a contrast

Dear nice man at the gas station,

Thank you for showing me that not everyone is full of anger. It wasn't a lot of gas, but you could have gone back inside for your change rather than passing the pump across to me. I appreciate your kindness and thoughtfulness.

Love, the poor girl at the gas pump

not helping

Dear customer,

You were right. It was not a pleasure speaking to you. It was completely dreadful. Not, as you might have hoped, because I was filled with guilt and shame over the way in which you thought you had been treated. Rather, I was appalled at the ignorance that you displayed. In the future, please don't call me if you don't actually want to pause briefly and listen to what I have to say.

If you would like to speak with someone in customer service, you are welcome at any time. If you would like to yell abuse, please buy a turtle. You can yell to your heart's content without hurting anyone else.

With love,
your friendly customer service representative (we really would like to help you)

Why I hate my job

"Is this account still open? I cancelled it way back in February. I can't believe you've been charging me this whole time!"

"Mr. F, I can cancel this account for you today, since I don't see it was cancelled before."

"I called in February and cancelled it, emphatically!"

"Sir, this account hadn't even been opened yet in February. You didn't purchase your phone until April."

The conversation went downhill from there.

Water Damage

Our customers are not always the most technologically savvy. Most of the time, this is not an issue as we can explain exactly where they are going wrong and what needs to be done to resolve their problem. However, there are times when this lack of know-how has quite the detrimental effect.

Electronic equipment is very sensitive to liquid damage and should not be exposed to it. Unfortunately, one customer dropped their device in a toilet. Knowing that his device would not work when wet, he attempted to dry it out. In the microwave.

Sparks and smoke ensued. Fortunately, there was not a full-fledged fire, but there was no saving his device and little hope for the microwave.

a string of instant message hilarity

One of the wonderful things about working in a call center is that you not only have your own crazy customers, but you get to hear about everyone else's. The below is an actual instant messaging exchange between a coworker and me.

T: THIS GUY SINGING
Me: what?
Me: on the phone? to you?
T: TALKING ABOUT ITS A SONG THAT HE WROTE FOR HIS WIFE AFTER SHE PASSED
T: OMG
Me: is he crying?
T: HE WONT STOP

Sometimes the best stories are from the customers

"So we had the phone set up so she can open it and talk to it, so she can have it call me even if she can't dial. But she's struggling with speaking to it. With my mother, there's no volume control, so she's either whispering or she's shouting. And when she whispers, the phone can't hear her. And apparently it doesn't like being shouted at either. We're still working on it."

Time Zones

Receiving calls from a variety of time zones can be very exciting. My mind sometimes fails to recall that my time is not everyone's time. As an example, here is one lovely conversation.

"Have a good night, Ms. D."

"Honey, it's daytime."

It's Not Just the Customers

Most of the time it's the customers who make me laugh, but sometimes my coworkers furnish quite a bit of amusement. Today, I heard the agent directly across from me say, "And now I have some illicit instructions for you, Mr. _"

Romantic Overages

"I got a call yesterday saying that I had gone over my minutes?"

"Yes, Ms.__, we are showing that you have. In order to avoid overage charges, I would recommend that you change your rate plan so you have more minutes available."

"Ok, let's do that then. I didn't think I'd need so many minutes, but my new boyfriend has been calling me and he's really romantic, you know? He's so good with words, it's just that there're so many of them! And he's my new boyfriend so I haven't told him much about himself and how many words he uses yet."

The Farm

I spoke with a woman whose first name was Dairy. She lived on Pig Lane. I find this very amusing.

One of the interesting things in customer service is speaking to the same customers again. Our dear customer from yesterday, the one with the rich unmarried son, called and spoke to me again today.

"I have one more number to add to my phone, and you won't believe this one."

"Who is it?"

"Jack Dempsey. That's d-e-m-p-s-e-y."

I'm not sure exactly how I was supposed to react, but apparently my generally appreciative air did not quite satisfy him. "Your dad would know who that is."

Marriage

"Are you married?"

I hesitated for a minute, not sure how much personal information I wanted to share with the stranger on the other end of the line. Then I answered, "No, sir, I am not."

"Do you want to marry my son, Mark? He's a New York banker. And he looks like me, so you know he's handsome."

"Well, thank you for the tip."

"My other son, Chris, isn't married either. But you'd better take Mark - he's richer."

"Thank you, I will take that under advisement."

Capitalization

"I'm so confused with all these passwords and things. I don't even remember how to use the phone."

"What passwords, sir?"

"The passwords for the names."

"I'm not sure to what you are referring."

"When I dial with a capitalized number, it goes through. But if I forget to capitalize, it won't let me talk."

Though I am not positive, I think it was at this point in the call that the two of us were both most thoroughly confused. I was confused because I didn't know you could capitalize numbers. He was confused because he didn't know what he was talking about - neither of us really did.

"Sir, are you referring to the names and numbers in your phonebook?"

"Yes, the ones in the computer."

"On the computer? On your online account?"

"Yes. When I try and call, it doesn't work."

"Are you trying to call from the computer or from the phone?

"From the phone. Can I call from the computer?"

"Not as far as I know. So, when you are trying to make a call, can you walk me through what you are doing?"

I will spare you the blow by blow account of everything we went through trying to understand one another. Suffice it to say that, when he was trying to make a call, he was trying to do it by typing someone's name instead of their number. Once we got that straightened out . . .

"But what about when I am calling from my landline phone, how am I supposed to capitalize those numbers?"

The Great Juggling Adventure

Long ago, in my young innocentish days, I juggled rocks and potatoes.
The reasons compelling me to cease throwing things in the air and trying to catch them without injury have ceased to be as vivid with each passing year. Unfortuately, my dexterity also decreased. Now I find myself wishing I had never abandoned the pastime of my youth.

The Goal: To learn, once more, to juggle.

The Challenge: To accomplish this goal using the spare time on the call center floor that occurs between calls

The Meeting of Nerd Minds

Mrs. C (no relation to Mr. C) called in to find out if she could lower her bill. Together, we looked at her last bill and the usage on her phone. Basically, there was no way to reduce the bill unless she started using it less, which wasn't really an option since she is using it as her home phone.

We were gently discussing using night and weekend minutes when she cried out, "That man looks like a Ferengi!"

Me: "Really? Is Star Trek on?"

Mrs. C: "No, he's on this discovery thing, something about the Amazon, but he looks just like a Ferengi. What's he doing in the Amazon?"

Me: "I have no idea."

Mrs. C: "Wait, this is jitterbug, isn't it? For a minute, I forgot who I was talking to."

Me: "Yes, it is jitterbug, but I understand. The shock of seeing an alien in the rainforest could make anyone forget."

Mrs.C: "I'm impressed that you even knew what I was talking about. It's nice to speak with someone who has their brain turned on."

Me: "Thank you. It's been a pleasure speaking with you as well."

Travel Monologue

Mr. C's verboseness amused me greatly. All he called to ask was whether he could use his phone outside of his home area. The answer to that was most definitely in the affirmative. That part of the call took about a minute.

The rest of the call involved me checking specific area codes for coverage while listening to Mr. C tell me all about his vacation plans. Once he had finished telling me where he was going this year, he also told me about the vacations he had taken with his wife - whom he described as being a lovely and accomplished woman - for the two previous years.

In the end, we spent nearly twenty minutes on the phone together before ending the call. These twenty minutes, I believe, were mutually beneficial. Mr. C found out that his phone works in more places than he had imagined, and I got a refresher course on the wonders of North America and Europe.

Cancelling my Patience

"I will eviscerate you in fiction . . ."

Chaucer's threats in the movie 'A Knight's Tale' resonate more clearly with me today than they ever have before. I found myself fumbling for words when Mr. B confronted me about his bill. His level of stupidity and obstinate unwillingness to attempt to listen confounded me. With astonishment, I listened to his harangue about being charged forty dollars for one minute.

"This crook of a company charged me for one minute! It's on the bill. One Minute."

I pulled up the invoice and looked at it. True, it did say that one minute had been used, but it also quite clearly stated "Usage Charges - $0.00"

"Well, sir, you are paying for the monthly plan, not per minute use. The charge would be the same whether you used one minute or fifty."

He didn't get it.
And didn't get it.

"I deliberately left the phone on and didn't use it to see how much you would dare to charge me. I'm not paying this."

It's called a rate plan. It's not a new concept that our company has invented. It is, in fact, standard across the industry. You pay a specific amount per month and we grant you a certain number of minutes to use. Whether you use them or not is your free choice. If you want to pay for your phone to sit on your charger gathering dust, you are free to do so. Of course, I didn't say that in those words. Instead, I politely explained that he was paying for the service per month and that, as he could see, he was not being charged for that minute.

He kept whinging on about his one minute like that was the issue. It wasn't.

Two invoices stacked on top of each other are going to seem like a significant amount, especially if you haven't used the phone. Again, it's your phone, you can use it or not as you choose. However, you still have to pay. It is not a criminal activity on the company's part to expect you to pay for what you have been given.

Even so, I extended several, quite generous offers, to Mr. B. in an effort to keep him with our company. I did this despite my strong feelings that we would be better off without him. It's thinking like that which will, I'm sure, keep me from every being truly "successful." Fortunately for my bruised feelings - if not for my monthly retention - he rejected all of the offers and cancelled his service.

I felt an evil twinge of satisfaction as I informed him that his phone would no longer be working, however, he would still be required to pay the bill for the amount already incurred. And then I said, "Goodbye, Mr. B."

Empty Compliments

Me - "To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?"

Customer - "You have the pleasure of speaking to the handsomest man in Florida!"

M - "And what was your name?"

C - "My name is W_, and I'm sure I'm speaking to the prettiest girl in wherever you are."

M - "Thank you, but I think that depends on who you ask."

Shush

It can sometimes be difficult to answer customer's questions. The questions can be confusing, poorly expressed, or there may simply be no answer that pleases the customer or that the customer will understand.

All of this doesn't stop the questions, nor should it. However, my suggestion would be that, after asking a question, you stop and listen.

Especially remember that shushing the representative will automatically result in no answers being forthcoming.

Unusual

A tank followed me to work today.

new technology

One of the most interesting parts of this job is explaining the different technological features to some of our customers. Voice mail does not feel as though it should be a strange, new concept. Answering machines have been around for years, and most of our customers have those. However, mention voice mail to them, and panic sets in.

Most are quite sure that they would not know how to use it. And they could be right. As one dear customer put it, "But how do I mail my voice? Do I have to put my voice on?"

Irate Mistakes

A man called today. That fact in itself is not remarkable. Neither is the fact that he was already angry when we answered the phone. People generally work themselves up into a frenzy when they know they are calling to have a confrontation.

What made this man special is the reason for which he was calling. He informed us, with high volume and very little space for breathing, that he was most unhappy that the promised repairman had not appeared within the specified window of time.

Our company does not have repairmen that go to houses. There is no possibility that anyone from the company would ever have been going anywhere near a customer's dwelling.

"Sir, this is (our company's) customer service. Were you trying to reach a different company?"

He paused, "This isn't __?"

When assured that it was not, he apologized repeatedly and profusely.

Seeing Clearly

Today, I emerged from the egg of training and entered my nesting period. I have begun to stretch my wings and interact with the unsuspecting public.

Apparently, the company should be responsible for ensuring that customer's can read any and all information sent. I agree with this to a point. The information should be presented in a clear and easy-to-read format. However, there is a limit.

"You should really package magnifying glasses with every order."

Not going to happen.

Customer Service Tip #421

When discussing accessories, be sure to advise customers of the correct method for wearing them. Do not say, "We have a beaded lanyard that you can wear around your waist." Any customer who follows this advice and attempts to squeeze their waist into a lanyard will become most unhappy. Remember, lanyards should be worn around the neck area.

Customer Service Tip #346

When speaking to customers about different time periods, be sure you use the correct units of time. For example, do not say to a customer "you can get your phone replaced once every twelve years." Rather, you would indicate to the customer that they could get their phone replaced once every twelve months.

Instead of plastic containers, I take Mason jars to work. Generally, they are filled with creamily delicious milk. I never imagined there being any problem with this. After all, it's milk in a jar. Is that really an exciting or unusual occurence?

Then, my trainer asked, "What are you doing with that jar? Is that a Mason jar? She has a Mason jar, like your granny used to."

My bewilderment stemmed from two main factors. First, neither of my grannies had ever had Mason jars. Second, I didn't see in what way a jar could grab so much attention.

This is a strange world in which to live: a world in which jars provide links to the past and amusement for the present.

Beginnings

Customer service is filled with mobs of wildly different people. My current training class is an excellent example of this. A motley assemblage of people has been hired.

There are people without call center experience and people with years of it. Some have degrees, some do not. There is an ancient plumber and a young college graduate. Many people are trying to build careers, some are not.

No matter our differences, we are all hunting the elusive Michigan paycheck, a rare beast that is always in season yet often bounds off into the woods, just out of reach.